Allowed to be Happy

Sometimes I wonder, "Am I allowed to be happy?" Gosh, to be childlike again, getting the biggest thrill out of pink cotton candy.

I was talking to my pal Tom the other day. A month or so ago he met what seemed like..."The One".
She was everything he was looking for, sans angst (and the ability to sing Cole Porter Standards) Someone without major issues, someone self-assured and accomplished. Someone who has never faced tragedy or failure. Someone who is HAPPY.

He contacted me, ringing his hands, sweating...."Ang! I'm gonna F this up!" I understand completely. We are of the breed that cannot handle "Normal". We tend to sabatage any relationship whereby we are not treated like the crap on the bottom of someones shoe.

The good thing is...for me...I got over the hurdle. I remember when I first met Bernie, I thought for sure I would screw it up, just like I'd screwed up just about everything else good in my life...mostly due to bone-crushingly low self-image.
I had to talk it out with friends...all of whom said, "Don't!" "Just relax and enjoy!"

What? no drama? no heartache? no angst? I didn't know how to survive without it! I was a Chaos Junkie. If no chaos was provided, I'd create my own. Totally subconscieously of course. So, I went about getting very drunk and doing ridiculous things, being the biggest jerk I knew how to be. Do you think that phased Bernie? No. Apparently Bernie had lots of experience with drunks. He could handle my drunkeness. My brand of drunk is easy....basically because I am usually a fun drunk girl. I lose inhibitions, dance, sing, drag people out to shows, talk a lot..until I can't talk anymore...or stand for that matter.

He had experience with the nasty angry kind of drunk, the kind that scream, fight and throw things. See, I'm only interested in beating myself up. Self-Sabotage is my game. However, I didn't scare Bernie away. A lesser man would run for the hills. Bernie just loved me till I came to the conclusion that drinking isn't a good thing for me. He never asked me to stop, but he wouldn't enable me either.
Bernie is Zen.

Anyway...I cleaned up my side of the street and have been on the road to accept happiness in my life. I need to let go of the old Angela and accept the new-improved Angela. The Happy Angela. The former Chaos Junkie Angela.
This is hard to do, especially if you have tons of guilt and lots of baggage.

I have to think of myself as "New". When I meet new people, they will not know about my past transgressions, unless I tell them. They only see the "New, Chaos-Free" version of me. Sometimes I feel like a fraud. "If you only knew the REAL me....you wouldn't like me." This, of course, is crap.

I don't know anyone, past or present that doesn't like me...except me of course. I have a big problem with me.