The Pursuit Of Happiness

It's been a great relief and sense of freedom for me, my recent debunking of the myth of happiness.

I think it upsets my husband. Men have a different way of thinking. Men usually want to solve the problem and move on. Somehow, he believes he can make me happy, in perhaps his definition of the word.

That is the entire crux of the matter. In the past, my idea of happiness usually involved an over-the-top manic episode. I wanted to turn a 10 into a 20. Never truly happy, always thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

At this point of my life, I have plenty of 20's. Every desire has been realized. I'm content, with an under pinning of joy. Happiness is a clean floor and a bar of dark chocolate. No longer the opine:
"If I had a man who loved me unconditionally, I'd be happy." "If I could finish my education, I'd be happy." "If I worked for a cool company that wasn't full of power hungry jerks, I'd be happy." "If only I didn't have to stress over money, I'd be happy." If only...if only...ad infinitum.

At this point in my life, all of my "if only-s" (sic) are realized. So now, what I think, without chaos and stress running my life is this:
I can go back to where I left off, maybe all the way to high school - to get back inside that wild young girl with the devil-may-care attitude and make it right for her. Think with a big girls mind, remember her dreams and make it happen.

I don't regret most of the past, my adventures, the people I met, but lots of awful dangerous things happened too. In fact, I believe its only by the grace of God that I am alive to write this today.

That is what I need to remember.