Well, I've been thinking about Karma today. I'm not a Hindu but man its true...what goes around comes around. I did a lot of wrong in my life out of desperation mostly, but still wrong. I realized in my early thirties (after leaving my 3rd husband) that I really needed to examine my motives, especially when it came to relationships. Not just romantic entanglements, but with family and friends as well. I came to believe in being honest. I was such a coward and manipulator. I used to drink way too much and have my bouts with illegal substances. How much trouble I got myself into. I was a burden to my family and friends. I would use men to pay my bills. Dumb suckers. How evil. Then I would wonder why my life never changed or got any better. Well, long story short, I quit the partying, became a responsible parent and got my proverbial shit together.
The best lesson I learned was to be honest in all my affairs. Sure I still screwed up sometimes, but I realized it was my fault...my doing; and had no problems taking blame for my part. Even in the crappiest of marriages and relationships, I could clearly see the damage I did to the hearts of men and in turn to myself.
Nowadays I get the heebie-jeebies if I willingly express foul thoughts and forget it if I do something pre-meditated. Although, I can't remember the last time I did a pre-meditated wrong. Most of my cuts come from my words. "Cuts Like A Knife"
I've been trying over the past year to curb this also, especially when it comes to my kids. Say what I mean, but don't be mean when I say it kinda thing.
The only person who seems to stick in my craw these days is my Mother-in-Law. She is a bold-faced manipulator of her sons. They know it too, but let her get away with it all the time, because, hey..."Its my Mom". Yeah, I know...you can't expect a son to turn his back on his Mother and I would never want to be married to a guy who would.
At first I was dealing with it as, "eh, she's a crazy old bird, let her have her fun" All well and good until I could see the effects she was having on my little Gigi and more so on my Bernie. She says the most upsetting things to him for attention. He stresses out for days before he finds out it was all another one of her attention getting mechanisms. Granted, she is lonely now that her husband has passed away, but to use the innocents to fill the void in a calculated way is just plain wrong. I mean, why can't she just call up and ask us over for dinner? Why does she have to come up with extreme false scenarios to get our attention, upset us to the point were Bernie needs to drop everything and come down and straighten out whatever alledged mess she's created, only to find out nothing is wrong at all. Its maddening.
Insecurity I guess. She has an extreme need to be the center of attention at all times. Anyway, back to the topic.
So, I went through a lot of heartache after my third marriage. Hard times. But the good thing is, all of that dealing with rotten stuff kinda cleared up my debt to the universe. Once I straighten out, realized I can't get away with stepping on people to get what I want because, "I deserve it", things started to turn around.
I stopped dating guys who were emotionally unavailable. Stopped dating guys just to have someone to go out with. Took a big leap of faith working in NYC for a shaky start-up (four years later, I'm still there!) Man, I love my job. I guess what I did was get a good healthy dose of confidence in myself. I met Bernie, but didn't seriously date him for three months afterward. We've been together ever since. We have never needed space. I guess because our lives are really full, we didn't have time for 'space'...lol We are each others space from the rest of the world.
Now, I have a great, loving, safe, successful life. I am truly blessed and I don't want to do anything to screw it up! God is Good...
And there is a light at the end of the tunnel...hang in there!
5 comments:
What a wonderful, honest, uplifting post, Angie... so full of wisdom that I can benefit from too!! I know you've been down the long road, like I have, so I hear what you are saying. I too believe in karma, and that what you put out does come back to you.
I loved the effort to "Say what I mean, but don't be mean when I say it." Too often people go for the throat just to make a point. Things can always be said in a kind way, or at least respectfully. Sometimes I am guilty of snapping back too when my buttons are pushed. I will work on that.
Sorry about your MIL, indeed sounds like someone desperately in need of attention. Sad that she can't see the quality of her time spent with all of you would be so much better if she did it the other way. I know it is very hard to get sons to stand up to their mothers, one rarely sees it happen. But sometimes a little, gentle chiding is in order! Mom's can benefit from a wake up call now and then too. It would be doing her a favor.
God, I think that our MILs must be related. Mine is manipulative, yes, but what really bugs me about her is that she has to update on the weather all of the time. If it is hot, she will call and remind us to drink lots of water and stay out of the sun. It it is cold and snowy, she will yell into our answering machine: WHERE ARE YOU? WHY AREN'T YOU HOME IN THIS NASTY WEATHER? YOU ARE JUST ASKING TO BE KILLED.
We are usually standing right by the phone, rolling our eyes.
Great blog post, by the way...
Oh yes, Ang, manipulating and monopolizing attention is a frustrating thing. Maybe it would be a good thing to just set up a schedule of visits with the woman in advance so she can make plans. Like tending to the baby before she starts crying wolf. Once a week visits with MIL. Maybe that's too much for your family but it beats the alternative.
I have to agree wtih The Josie. I think what this gal needs is a day care, a senior center, a coffee klotch as I like to call our 'normal ladies' meet up at work. She would fit in perfectly at any one of these centers. I recommend Riverside Manor. They would pick her up in the van and give her some attention and meals and entertainment. They are good that way.
I have been encouraging Aunt Amelia to get involved with this sort of thing but the dear woman who just turned 90 does not feel like she 'needs' that sort of thing.
Good Idea Gina!
Bernie doesn't think she would be interested, but I think its the perfect cure she might meet a few nice ladies in the same boat.
Does Medicaid cover all of the costs, transportation, etc?
Aunt Amelia seems so stable emotionally. Maybe she really doesn't need it?
What a wonderfully honest post girl! Kudos to you. I think your life now sounds particularly great, excpet of course for your MIL. Oh well, seems there is always at least one thing...you have done very well, and it sounds as though you handle the problems with her quite fine.
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