Today was a very scary day for me. I had a major anxiety attack down at the family compound. It all started with Bernie heading over to his Moms for YET ANOTHER CRISIS.
She managed to blow-up her computer and God forbid she spend a few days without being able to forward virus addled junk mail to everyone she knows. Bernie had to run down (like a 2 hour ride)to her side and make it all better. They went computer shopping for most of the day, then he had to set it all up for her. UGH.
Yes, I know...he's a wonderful guy, dutiful son, ad nauseum. But, it was eating away at my brain. He's not home all that often and since he's been back (about 3 weeks) She has come up with either an entirely phony crisis or breaks something, or needs a light bulb changed or her grass cut...on and on and on. EVERY WEEKEND hes been down there.
HELLLLOOOO! I need some damned help around here. He has a million half-done projects all over. We don't have time for the weekly freak-show. ANYWAY...I was at my boiling point this afternoon. We had plans to meet up after he checked out her computer, to go over to the beach and have a nice dinner. I brought down clothes for us to change into. John and Gigi were staying over night with friends so we were free and clear to have a night to ourselves.
Then I get the call that hes has taken his mom out shopping for a new computer because she can't live without having a new one immediately. FUCK THAT SHIT.
So, I'm at the family farm with no phone, no water, no TV no radio...waiting for his ass to arrive. I wanted to take a nap but their carbon monoxide detector was BEEPING LOUDLY every 20 seconds or so. I decided, since they are coming back up from Florida this Wednesday, I may as well start cleaning the place. Well, HOURS pass...the house is nice and tidy. (NOT a small feat. They were infested with mice over the winter and the entire place was covered with mouse droppings. It was DIS-GUST-ING) I am dripping with sweat from my head to my feet drenched. Wet hair...wet clothes...no way to shower.
So, he finally arrives. I suddenly saw RED. I became SO ANGRY at the situation. I wouldn't talk to him. He offered to turn on the water so that I could shower. I just couldn't deal with it. Again, MIL ruins a weekend. I grabbed my stuff and told him I was going home. He's dumb-founded. He's never seen me this angry. I throw my stuff in my car and ppppEeeeeeellll out rocks are flying. I'm zig-zagging up the driveway...I floor it out on to the road, tires squealing. (hahhaa...I drive a mini-van!).
I cried like a baby for the entire hour and a half ride home. I wanted to pull into a bar and just get trashed, but what good would that do? I'd probably get pulled over.
So, I just drive. My head is saying, "oh come on...you can be charitable, he is helping is mother. My heart is screaming....NO!!!! I want my husband back. HE'S MINE!!! GET IT??? Go away! Stop calling us everyday with your whining and crying and guilt trips. Quit manipulating my HUSBAND you witch! Leave us ALONE!
I haven't been that upset in I can't remember when. Bernie was right behind me coming home. I still couldn't talk to him and just jumped into the shower. Afterwards he made all sorts of promises that he'll make our relationship the priority, that our marriage is more important...blah, blah, blah.
Oh right. Sure. Make me the bad guy. I'm not that selfish. Like I would want my husband to toss his crazy-assed mother out on the street. UGH. Its a no win situation. I can't be that evil...and I know he's banking on that, so his words hold absolutely no weight with me.
I just wish he would take a moment and think before he runs down there like a chicken with his head cut off every time she gets a wild hair up her...you know what. Bernie is her whipping boy. She knows she can snap and he'll come a runnin' Its disgusting how she treats him.
Well, after a while I felt better and we went out to eat and had a decent time. I just hope he starts taking into consideration the damage he is doing to HIS family here.
11 comments:
What an insightful post. You really do understand the mother/son thing, and you know it's a lose-lose. I have never had to deal with this situation personally, but it sure seems that you have your hands full with it. Obviously, your husband should not go running every time she calls, but I wonder about the dynamic of the mother/son relationship, and I wonder if he has it within him not to. The problem lies with her, of course, but I am guessing that her behavior will never change unless he tells her to knock it off---would she, if he told her that it had to stop? I think it's a rotten deal, he feels guilty to the both of you...you are left feeling like attilla the hun, but what about MIL? She should realize that she is a big girl, and can run her life on her own. I will take a lesson from this, and i vow to never, ever make one of my sons my savior....Thanks for the insight. You are a very talented writer, your honesty is refreshing. PS...it feels good to drive like an idiot sometimes, minivan or not, doesn't it? teehee
I have known several people with this same problem, Angie, and I don't blame you one bit for being so upset! Going down to check her computer was one thing, but shopping and setting up takes hours, and that's quite another. Since you two had a little time for yourself (rare with kids In the house, I know) he should have told mama to wait for her new 'puter, life isn't a "snap your fingers" affair.
While I agree with Jamie that it's mom who has the problem here, and obviously can't quite cut the cord, as far as your marriage is concerned, the the real issue likes with Bernie, and whether he is willing and able to stand up to her and say, "Can't make it today Mom, Angie and I have plans." A two hour drive is NOT a quick trip across town, and if she's monopolizing every weekend, it's really not fair! Maybe you and Bernie could sit down and talk about a REASONABLE schedule for visiting Mom, and HE can inform her. Then she can plan her needs around those days. If she needs her lawn mowed or her light bulb changed on another day - she can hire the help, it'd not THAT expensive. The time you two have to share is precious, and while no one wants Bernie to abandon his mother, she needs to be notified, by HIM not you, that he is married and has responsibilities to his family.
LOL at you peeling out of the driveway... a girl has to make her point sometimes! Glad you didn't have an accident driving so angry, but I do know the feeling of just wanting to go home.
Does Bernie have any siblings in the area, or is he mama's only boy?
Take heart in the fact that Bernie was very concerned by your anger, and was smart enough to follow you home... quickly! Now challenge him to change things, and let mama know! He's gotta stand up to her at some point or this scene will repeat and next time you might not be so quick to forgive him.
I don't suppose this photo is the real Angie? Would love to see you!
By the way, isn't it nice to have a blog to vent away in, and people who do give a damn?! Blogging is the best, I wouldn't be doing nearly as well as I am without it. Sometimes we just need to hear someone else say, you're right, that totally sucked!
As always, thanks so much for your support ladies!
The problem lies with her of course. Its weird. She is like a bull in a china shop. No social graces. She is an only child and had no daughters so she is used to being Queen Bee. Bernie has a brother but he is a career military man, left home at 18, got married, had a baby and joined the Army. MIL alienated his wife so much that they didn't speak to her for 20 years. She didn't get the chance to interact with her grandchildren...again, all her fault. Its just a shame her husband and Bernie were left to deal with her fall-out. She had nothing nice to say about Bernie's first wife. The thing is, her husband was sort of the buffer. He would tell her when she was acting like an ass and make her stop. Unfortunately, he died last summer and she's run amok ever since.
Their neighbors were always helpful and really wonderful when Bernie's dad was alive. In the beginning, they were helpful to her as well, cutting the grass and helping with this and that. Not surprisingly, shes managed to ruin those relationships as well. She was even PAYING one of the neighbors to do it and he won't anymore.
She refuses to hire someone else to mow the grass, guilting Bernie by saying, "Oh, thats okay, ANGEL, (gag..she calls him her ANGEL) I'll mow my own grass." YEAH OKAY. He is way too kind-hearted to allow this old lady (shes not even that old...only 68) with a million preventable diseases go out and mow they grass. She obese and can barely walk. Does she do anything about it? No of course not. She'd rather be a martyr.
Well, Bernie is on his way down to pick up Gigi and John from their sleepovers. I asked him if he was going to go cut his moms grass...he said no...
Lets see how this pans out.
We did have a long talk about boundries last night. I know he feels totally responsible, but she isn't going to get better by alientating everyone around her and expecting Bernie to be her savior.
I put the brakes on her using Gigi as an emotional crutch. Poor kid would come home terrorized. She has NO boundries. She shows Gigi her operation scars, no matter WHERE THEY ARE and trust me, no little kid should have to see this stuff.
She mopes about her husband, all fine well and good, but Gigi has her own grief to deal with.
This woman is just clueless. UGH.
Thanks for listening.
Josie,
Yes, that is a photo of me.
Wonderful, Angie - I was so hoping it was!! You are beautiful, every bit as exquisite as I expected you to be!
Poor Gigi, she is MUCH to young to be subjected to such garbage, Lord grandma needs a good therapist!!
Keeping my fingers crossed that Bernie will let the grass grow. If she's run off all the people who tried to help her, then I say she cuts it herself, or it grows! Or he does it when it fits into HIS schedule only.
Don't you sometimes wonder how such very nice people can come from very screwed up parents? I realize that I was truly blessed in live, in that each one of my three MIL's were as nice as could be, and never interfering. I remember these lessons with my Son In Law and would never want come between him and my daughter. Their marriage comes first, and they both still have plenty of time and caring for me.
It will be up to Bernie to set the boundaries with his mom, since obviously she won't. Let's hope he can do it!
OH i know what you mean.....guilt trips...obligations....
I think what the old MIL really needs is someone local who can do odd jobs for her, Ang. Free up your guy by paying a guy to do these jobs. This could go on and on for years, Ang and it grates at your nerves...you need a practical solution. Check out Craigs List.
Another thing is to call the Board of Social Services and get her into one of those senior apt complexes. Subsudized housing. Less rent.! MUCH LESS. GET HER ON THE LIST. This way, as she gets older she will not have to deal with these things. There are more people around, clubs, and shopping nearby....home health aides, etc.
1 732 349 5500. or 349-7500 Get her on a program! There is also money available for home health and day care! Check it out.
You and Bernie have a nice day....Take good care and go out and treat yourselves.
Headed to Virginia.
you make me glad that i love my mom in law...and that we live twelve hours away. sometimes. i do miss her. but even when we lived ten miles from her...she did know her boundaries.
sounds like your hubby needs to set some of his own.
good luck.
have a good day
Yeah, I've never heard of such a crazy way of living. I'm just not accustom to it.
I don't think you SHOULD get accustomed to it, Angie, that means that Bernie could go on being mama's boy and forget that he is first and foremost your husband. Gina had some great ideas there, hope you run them past Bernie. Mama needs to cut the cord and learn some independence. God help me if I ever do this shit to my kids!! Sadly, the most domineering mammas usually have sons that don't dare stand up to them, it follows.
Can you and B afford to hire a local guy to help her? Or maybe when she calls, you could have his number handy?
Maybe you could agree to have YOU deal with her when she calls. Give her the number and do it sweetly so she can't put you into the wicked witch category.
If B can't do it himself, maybe he can trust you to do it?
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